Sin City, USA

Howdy folks, from the city that never sleeps (except when you stayed up all night at the airport trying to keep an eye on shifty “airport workers”)!  It’s late Wednesday night, and I’m enjoying our $12.99 24-hour Internet pass and so I thought I drop the world a line.

We arrived finally Tuesday morning after the aforementioned overnight ordeal.  We were exhausted, hungry and dirty from the experience, and were somewhat unprepared for the realities of Vegas that smack you right in the face the moment you get off the plane.  Twenty feet from the boarding gate was a bank of slot machines.  Hell, slot machines are EVERYWHERE here.  In restaurants, gas stations, the library, the courthouse.  After we made our way through the terminal, we were greeted by the Times Square of baggage claims.  This place was an all-out assault of advertising, with giant screens plastered in 360 degree splendor,  coaxing us to go see Tony Danza in the Producers (probably not), Celine Dion in her last year (finally?) or Carrot Top (…).  Luckily our bags came quick and we were off to get our rental car and head over to the strip.

The Mirage is definitely a nice hotel, and we were glad that we picked it.  We’re here Tuesday night and tonight, and then tomorrow we move to Treasure Island which is right next door (it had a cheaper Thanksgiving rate).  We’ve decided to forego our trip to Utah to see Bryce and Zion in favor of staying in Vegas and day tripping to Red Rock Canyon (which is somewhat nearby) and some other local attractions.  That necessitated more hotels and more price-jockeying, so Friday we are at a Westin, and then Saturday and Sunday we are at New York New York.  Confused yet?

So far baby hasn’t been too much of an issue, other than a more urgent need to find food at more times during the day – they say you should have 6 mini-meals instead of 3 large meals, although we haven’t been following that too closely.  Our eating has been somewhat more determined by price more than anything else – turns out Vegas is expensive.  Who knew?  We’ve done ok so far – we had dinner at the Venetian yesterday and at an Irish pub in New York New York today.  Other than a lot of walking and eating, we have taken in 2 attractions – a Cirque du Soleil show (weird) and a Titanic Artifact Exhibit (neat).  Not sure what else is on the books…

We did a little gambling so far – we actually threw $26 into a electronic roulette machine and walked away with $126 in about 10 minutes.  Not too shabby.  I also had one of those zen gambling moments – we were about to leave with about $70 when I said to Kim – “Let’s just throw one more dollar in and see what happens.”  You know the rest – boom – the number comes up.  Am I a gambling genius because of this?  Probably.

So anyway, we’re having a good time in the desert, trying to keep our bodies fed and our wallets fat.  Not sure that either one is going so well, but we are having fun…

We want to be a part of it, Newark, Newark?

Well our auspicious trip to Las Vegas and environs has been waylaid by some “low ceilings” and “rain” around the bleak cousin of the Big Apple, Newark, New Jersey. Yes friends, after a 2 hour delay leaving Syracuse (where we sat and watched our plane, wondering why exactly we weren’t in it, hurtling towards our gambling destiny), we missed our connecting flight and am now enduring our luxurious accommodations at the Newark International Airport. We briefly considered a hotel room, but with our flight leaving at 7:25 in the morning, and this being a ridiculous busy airport, we figured we’d need to be back at 5, and so it probably wasn’t worth the hassle. Whether that is indeed true or not is difficult to determine in hindsight.
Besides, it’s not all bad – after all they gave us two (2) $8 meal vouchers, and two (2) “overnight kits” which contains all the things you might need to spend a night at the airport:

• A comb

• A toothbrush and toothpaste

• Dove “Powder” Deodorant

• Shampoo (!) – And where exactly am I supposed to use this? Lather, flush, repeat?

• A spray bottle of hairspray – flammable hairspray, I should say

• A “safety” razor and some shaving cream

Wait – did the airline really give us a razor? I get strip searched for forgetting to dump my nail clippers, and they GIVE me a razor if I have to stay here a while? Beyond security? Really? Well, I guess I can finally fulfill my lifelong dream of dropping a razor in the razor slot in the airplane bathroom now. Shaving mid-flight sounds fun too.

The airport is a surprisingly busy place at night. There are several other “distressed passengers” as we are called, randomly interspersed among the gates. The sleeping arrangement of choice seems to be bringing two chairs facing each other and putting your feet up, but I found that a bit uncomfortable. Kim is currently lying face down on the carpeted (over concrete) floor and seems somewhat content (she can sleep anywhere). I’m not that good at sleeping in odd places, so I’m amusing myself giving funny names and back stories to the random workers that wander by. (Why there’s Tony the “Tonester”, the mysterious jet mechanic, who, similar to Dr. Doolittle, can literally talk to planes, or Esmerelda, the gruff janitor with a heart of gold, who picks scraps of chicken tacos out of the trash to take home to her hundreds of abandoned kittens) . I think I’ve already lost my mind, and there’s still a ways to go before we board our flight.

Also, you may not know this, but do you know that recording they play constantly in airports about “not accepting bags from unknown people” and “leaving your bag unattended may force us to blow it up”? Yeah, they totally play it every 20 minutes, ALL NIGHT LONG. Despite the fact that 90% of the people here at these ungodly hours are workers, and the other 10% is just trying to sleep at all in this well-lit palace of gates and terminals. ALL NIGHT LONG.

Well anyway, we’re stuck here for another 5 hours, so if you feel motivated, please address your care packages to Terminal C, Gate 73. We’re the ones holed up in the corner, me with the laptop on a $8 one day internet pass, and her curled up in some complimentary airplane blankets and 4 tiny pillows doing her best to sleep. And baby? Well, he/she is getting his/her money’s worth this week in”pre-life” experiences…

PHOTO GALLERY

The “Tonester”	Luxury Suite
The Wife	Blog Creation Spot

Baby’s First Crap(s)?

This week will bring baby’s first shot at craps – and not the variety that will probably rule our days and nights in a few months.  Yes, we are traveling to the only logical Thanksgiving destination, one that pays tribute to the historical and cultural traditions of this American holiday, a land of enchantment where turkeys and large inflatable cartoon characters dance the tango amidst cornucopias and maize. Yep, we’re going to Vegas!  The only place where you can walk from the Eiffel Tower to the Pyramids of Egypt with a sidetrip to New York City along the way.

Why Vegas?  Well, it’s a long story but it involves some craziness with Kim’s job.  But due to some unforeseen circumstances, we now find ourselves in Vegas for 4 days instead of 2, and some free time to go elsewhere as well.  On the short list is a trip to Bryce and Zion canyons in nearby Utah, which is only 3-4 hours away.  Other than that, we’ll probably just tool around the casinos, taking in a few shows, and trying to pad our 529 account for baby’s Harvard tuition. Or possibly Yale.  I suppose if times are tough we might even consider Dartmouth, but I don’t really want to think about it.

We’re certainly looking forward to some time away in what will probably be our last chance to take a vacation “alone” (ignoring for a moment the quickly growing amorphous blob festering inside my wife).  It should be a good time, and while we’ll miss our families we will certainly be thinking about them while we are taking out a second mortgage to cover “the hole” that I’ll get into while Kim is off in the ladies room…

Look out – there’s Toxoplasmosis in that Cat Poop!

Sometimes doctors do silly things. Things like call your pregnant wife, and when she doesn’t pick up the phone, leave messages like “Hi, this is Sandy, at your doctor’s office. We got back your blood test results, and have some information for you. Please call back!” It’s worse than the old “I’ve got a secret – I’ll tell you later,” because there’s at least some part of you that now assumes you have Hepatitis B. Or scabies. Whatever that is.

This, of course, happened to us yesterday. My wife didn’t receive the message until after they had closed, so we had to sweat it out overnight, wondering what she might have. Frantically skimming through books, watching old episodes of House (maybe it’s Wilson’s disease? Or African Sleeping Sickness?) – in short letting your mind go places it shouldn’t.

Finally, this morning we called when they opened up at 8:30 in the morning.

KIM: “Hi, this is Kim. Sandy called, said you had some results for me?”

Doctor’s Office: “Oh, she works in the other office. They don’t open for a 1/2 hour.”

KIM: “Am I dying?”

Doctor’s Office: “Hm. Ok, let me call over for you.”

And they did, and Sandy then called us back to tell us… that the blood test was fine. Big sigh of relief. The reason they called specifically was to mention that Kim had NOT been exposed to toxoplasmosis, which kind of sounds like gingivitis, but is totally different. We were relieved, and a little annoyed. I think they could probably have mentioned that in the phone message in the first place. Just a thought.

What is Toxoplasmosis, anyway? What follows is an explanation, bundled up neatly with a series of falsehoods that will probably find their way into some college student’s term paper which lists this site as a “definitive source” – packaged somewhere between WebMD and Wikipedia in the bibliography I’m sure.

Toxoplasmosis is a parasitic disease that generally affects cats, but has also found it’s way into undercooked meat, other animals, humans, and occasionally Eastern European cars. It’s symptoms are characterized by rashes, obnoxious throat clearing, newfound love for Norwegian opera, and an elitist attitude that prevents you from handling undercooked meat, raking leaves, cleaning out cat litter boxes, and a variety of other household chores that you’d rather have your husband do because it’s “totally unsafe.”

Anyway, the crux of the matter is that Kim has NOT been exposed to it, which is certainly a good thing. There are risks to having the disease, and the fact that our cats have been diagnosed with it before is somewhat concerning. But the end result is that I will continue cleaning out their litter boxes, with a smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye as my wife sits on the couch, loudly recounting what happened on the last Bachelor episode, sipping her organic apple cider she “had” to have, and then dozing off at 8:30.

Man, I wish I was pregnant.

Of course, pushing a basketball out of “there” doesn’t sound like fun either. Plus I make up most of this stuff anyway – she probably handles pregnancy better than most. But what am I supposed to make fun of then.

Baby’s First Accident

Well, I think we both assumed that baby’s first accident would occur in the hospital, and consist of a nasty substance my boss repeatedly has called “tar-like.” Honestly, he mentions it a lot. It’s a little uncomfortable for all of us – we just sort of do that nervous “ha ha, yes, that is amusing” while we look off into space. Anyway, as I was mentioning, we assumed baby’s first accident would occur after birth, and be caused by the natural forces that govern human digestive tracts.

Instead, baby’s first accident was caused by a chain smoking blond who was late for work at TGI Fridays. Yes, as Kim and I drove for an breakfast featuring internationally inspired cuisine (IHOP), we were rear-ended waiting to merge off of a highway exit ramp. The good news is that the tiny Honda Fit weathered the crash reasonably well – we were hit in the driver side left rear bumper – it messed it up pretty good but it missed the tailgate, and it certainly rendered the offending Dodge into a mangled one head-lighted undriveable hulk. The cops came and determined that we needed a tow as the wheel well was pretty crushed. In a weird twist of fate, the tow truck that came to tow us was for a body shop literally around the corner from our house. Within an hour, we were back on our way to breakfast, short one car but otherwise not worse for wear.

Sadly though, in the hour we lost taking care of the accident, the line at the IHOP grew to great lengths, and so we were forced to go to our backup plan. The french toast from Denny’s was good, but I think both of us will always wonder what the pancakes could’ve tasted like that day.

And to answer the questions I’m sure will follow, we are both fine. A day later, and neither of us have felt any ill-effects from the accident – we were hit at a pretty low rate of speed so in some senses it felt more like a failing clutch than a nudge from behind. I’ll be sure to ask our unborn child in 5-10 years if he/she remembers this day. Of course at this point I’m not sure it has a brain yet though. Hmm – I should probably go research that…

In Search of the Perfect Name

One thing that has certainly taken on some more immediacy since the “incubation” began is finding suitable names for the boy/girl/kitty that’s on the way. Now this is a topic that we’ve talked about off-handedly for years, but now we actually need to come to an agreement, so the conversations have become a bit more pointed. It’s surprising in the variety of places “interesting” names come up – characters on TV (Gil Grissom Frantz? Stewie Frantz?), waiters and waitresses at restaurants (Fran Frantz?) , greyhounds at the racetrack (Feelin’ Lucky Frantz?).

Generally when these names surface, we engage in a subtle verbal spar to determine if said name is an acceptable one for our informal list. To illustrate the point, here’s a sample exchange that we’ve shared many times recently. To protect any possible names that we may use in the future, I will use an arbitrary name stand in – see if you can spot it.

Kim: Ooh, FungleSnotz! I really like that name! FungleSnotz Frantz! What do you think?

Mark: (rolls eyes)

After several of these exchanges, I get the “evil eye” and then predictably:

Kim: Well, what names DO you like?

Mark: We could name our kids after French cities – it’d be awesome! Paris Frantz! Marseilles Frantz!

Kim: (rolls eyes)

And so it goes around and around. I think part of the crux of our problems is that Kim is looking for a name that is somewhat unique, or at least not a “standard name.” Mary, for example, is not on the short list. Mary was the most popular name in America from like 1800 to 1970 or something like that – turns out God’s mom was named Mary and people are pretentious enough to name their kids after her.

I just don’t want my kid to have some really wacky name – I’ve taught some college level classes and I hate tripping over a student’s name when taking roll. I had a girl who’s name was spelled Miao, which I pronounced as “Mow” but was chastised for not calling her “Meow.” I thought the former sounded like a better shot – best not to lead with the one that sounds like a cat, I thought. I’m also dead set against taking names and spelling them in “fun” ways – for example, just because you can substitute a “y” for an “i” or an “e” and still get the same pronunciation, that doesn’t mean you should. I’m looking at you, Karyn. And you, Cyndy. And even you, Jake Gyllenhaal. Why can’t you spell your name like it sounds, Jaik Jillenhall?

And so we’ll continue our discussions, and hopefully, amidst the continuous eye rolling, we will come to some agreement. Twice. As a backup, we can always just name it Baby. Hey, it worked in Dirty Dancing…

Doctor’s Visit: The Sequel

Well, it turns out that Kim is having a hummingbird. Or at least that’s what it looked like. As mentioned, we had our second visit to the doctor today, which we’ve been looking forward to pretty much since the last time we were there. We were hoping see some hot, squirmy, fetal action today, and we were not disappointed. Well, maybe a little disappointed. It’s clearly not a kitty (no tail).

We arrived early, which apparently is not the thing to do first thing Monday morning. We ended up waiting for about 45 minutes, which was about 42 minutes longer of Al Roker that I wanted to watch. Once we did get in, it was clear that everyone was in a rush (I think related to the whole Monday morning thing). The pleasantries were pretty much cast aside, and before we knew it things were being put in places unmentionable here, and the screen lit up with Kim’s insides. And there was clearly a larger mass o’ stuff then there was last time. And, if you looked closely, the thing was moving. Unless a small rodent burrowed up there, it appears that we are indeed expecting a child (a SINGLE child I should note). Then the doc pressed a few buttons and suddenly we could hear the dub dub dub the thing was emitting, which is really amazing considering that while it was bigger than before, it’s still pretty darn tiny. I’m proud to note that it keeps time pretty well – perhaps a drum major in the making? Or at least maybe a bass drum in the making?

Then before we knew it, the lights are on and they were escorting us out. We had time for a few quick questions (turns out the soy protein shakes are good to eat, and flying in a few weeks is no trouble at all), and then we were deposited in the waiting room. They directed down to a laboratory where a phlebotomist stole 4 vials of blood from Kim (apparently they didn’t need my blood) for the first round of prenatal testing, including an added test for toxoplasmosis (that weird bacteria thing that cats get). We are scheduled for our next appointment after the Thanksgiving holiday, which they described as our first OB visit. Not sure what these “other” visits were called (perhaps “Ultrasound Seek and Find visits”), but once again we are looking forward to seeing how this little parasite (who has already made me late for work despite not being born yet) will have grown in 3 weeks…

On a side note, the last co-worker in my office is now aware of the situation, through no actions of my own.  Someone “spilled the beans” to him,  and he was subsequently “ratted out” by my “prison snitch” of a boss.  Oh well.  At least I don’t have to dance around anything anymore…

Impending Doctor’s Visit

Tomorrow we have what can probably be described as our first “normal” doctor’s visit.  This would be the first visit scheduled if Kim hadn’t been experiencing the cramps she had early on, which have lessened to a large degree now.  We’ve been compiling a list of questions for the doctor, a few of which are:

1)  We’re going to Las Vegas/Palm Springs in late November – is flying going to be an issue?

2) Is there a “no-list” for eating stuff (if it would be shorter – as I have heard – maybe a “yes” list instead)

3) Can Kim continue to eat soy protein shakes in the morning?  More importantly, does she even want to?

4) Can I drink twice as much and say that I’m “drinking for two” and not be considered an alcoholic?

We’re pretty excited for the visit as we’ll see another ultrasound, where we might be able to actually see something “babyish”, or at least something that looks a tadpole.  Plus we’ll get confirmation that the baby is growing and is healthy which is good too.  AND I get out of work for a while.  Followup to follow tomorrow…